The Junkyard

I spent the day trying to vocalize all of my thoughts—just to see how my mind works. And . . .

I became very aware of my endless inane observations.

They were often followed by commentary like, “Jeez, my mind is full of inane crap.”

Which was sometimes followed by commentary like, “Don’t judge it, just watch it.”

Which was sometimes followed by commentary like, “Who’s watching? Don’t watch. Don’t analyze. Just say it.”

At other times I said, “I wouldn’t have had those thoughts about my thoughts if I were not vocalizing my thoughts.”

Or, “I am remembering all my thoughts much more than I would if I were not vocalizing.”

Sometimes I thought I should stop all these metathoughts about my thoughts and vocalizations. I didn’t always vocalize these thoughts.

I liked to read words out loud every time I saw them.

I noticed more smells, textures and colors than usual.

Sometimes when my mind was silent, I tried to think of something to say and only said “Why is it so difficult and tiring to speak all my thoughts?”

Sometimes when my mind was silent, I said something like, “Was that one of those moments between thoughts which the meditators claim are the moments when your true self is present?” Actually, I was more likely to just think that than to say it.

Sometimes the vocalization of the thought lasted too long, and I had already moved on to a new thought while still vocalizing the old one.

Often I spoke the thought out loud only after I had already spoken it to myself in my mind.

Other times the vocalization was my first awareness of the thought.

Some vocalizations, such as “Ouch” and “Fuck!” came with no real thought attached to them, just a sensation.

When I started thinking about something I wanted to tell somebody or planning what I would do later, I started a long internal monologue but usually forgot to vocalize it.

When I made an effort to vocalize such monologues, I lost interest quickly.

I sometimes thought about how I would write this list. I rarely vocalized those thoughts.

Sometimes I laughed and said, “Sheez, my brain is a random mess.”

I wondered, sometimes aloud and sometimes not, what kinds of thought processes were going on that I still wasn’t aware of.

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Posted on December 14, 2012, in Consciousness and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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